Perspective a Year Later...

So, it's been over a year since I officially separated and over a year since I announced I wanted a divorce.

Whether it was right or wrong, whether it was a mistake or a smart choice, at this point, I feel some peace. But it wasn't an easy road. I felt I had 2 choices: one crappy choice and another even crappier choice. And I made the choice I thought would inevitably be better for my family.

It's hard to say whether the decision has made life easier or worse for my children, but TBH it feels like it's not better or worse, exactly, just different and still hard, but in a different way.

The good:

• Getting to discover who I am again. What I like, what I enjoy, what I want. I'm still figuring it out, but it looks a lot different from 14 years ago. I'm faced with new decisions and choices I previously let someone else make for me or that I made with someone else. I learned I could have been more intentional in pursuing my interests while in my marriage. And the other person could have been more intentional about encouraging that.
• Getting to raise my children with my own rules. I get to make the rules. I don't have to discuss them with someone else.
• I feel grateful for all I have. I am thankful that I am competent, employed, housed, and fed. I have 2 lovely kids. 
• I am free from a life of arguing painfully, feeling unheard and unloved, and struggling to get along with someone (although this is a challenge I continue to face with my children!)
• I get a second chance at having a life with someone that I have things in common with and that make sense for who I am. There were times when I couldn't envision a future with my former husband and wondered how we would be compatible in some ways when we were such different people. For example, I loved going out and doing things. He was a homebody. I could adapt somewhat, but, even after I accepted this as my plight, I didn't love it. I'm thankful I get to reevaluate and perhaps do it better next time (if there is one).
• I've become better at understanding what I need in another human being that I would date and I'm better at being respectful of other's boundaries and limitations in a way I wasn't before.
• I get actual breaks from the kids for the first time, ever.
• I can spend and save my money the way I want.
• I can decorate my house the way I want!

The bad:

• Taking care of 2 little kids for any length of time without a partner is REALLY hard. When I was alone it was often excruciating. It's expensive and logistically complicated, if not impossible.
• I can do almost nothing fun anymore because all free time is taken up doing things I previously split with my now ex-husband: dishes/groceries/lunches/laundry/taking care of kids/cleaning/cooking/bathtime/bedtime/diapers, etc. 
• I now have the full mental load I had when I was married and then some, plus the mental load of coordinating the kids with their dad, my friendships (and, as an extrovert I need to have people around all the time!), and pickups/drop offs with other adults.
• I don't have a grownup to discuss the joys and challenges of my specific children with. 
• I am faced with the reality of what I could have done differently in my marriage. This ranges from realizing I put my husband on a pedestal to seeing how I could have been more respectful in some ways. 
• I realized that my accountability is to God and my children and I have the freedom to make bad decisions. Within the context of my marriage, I felt accountable only to my husband. Now that that is gone, I realize how much I have to take charge and be responsible for my actions. 
• I have lost control over what my co-parent does with the kids. Not that I ever really controlled anything anyway, but I have almost no visibility into their life with him. 
• I don't get as many breaks from the kids during a regular day. The breaks are batched into one time.
• Less money. I have a mortgage again. I have to pay for all childcare, healthcare, food, etc. Financially, very tough to do alone.
• Soooo tired. I rarely get enough sleep because I get up with the kids every. single. morning. in perpetuity.
• Emotionally draining. I'm the emotional output for my children's emotions. They are safe with me, so they feel free to be badly behaved with me. I'm also the output for their Dad's emotions. When he won't comply or bails or gets angry, I'm the buffer, and I'm STILL dealing with many of the things I wanted to get away from, even though they aren't front and center all the time. 

I'm not saying it's better or worse, but it's certainly different and, honestly, harder in its own ways. I'm grateful for the chance to live in a mostly conflict-free home in a jovial style I like, but I wish it wasn't so darn lonely!