Seeing my True Colors (i.e., Justin Timberlake sings to my soul)

Soooooo... I watched the Trolls movie with my daughter the other day.

I listened to this song. True Colors.

If you haven't seen it (and spoiler alert!), it's at this climactic part of the movie where the main character is discouraged and loses all her color. Basically, when a Troll gets sad, they lose their brightness. Justin Timberlake's character who hasn't been bright in years and hasn't sang in years, sings this song to her.

It moved me.

I could not stop listening to that song.

And it makes me cry! But, there are a lot of emotions welling up in me this week for various reasons and it was a catalyst.

Aaron moved back. But the impact on the kids is high. My life is getting a bit easier. The kids are slowly adjusting. It takes time. There has been so much upheaval in their lives. And it weighs on me. And that's what struck me about this song. The weight of the world can make it hard to shine brightly, to be yourself. To be anything but dark and sad.

But, it's not forever. And, if you can find someone who can see your true colors, who you are, you are lucky. Part of me deeply mourns that I didn't have someone that saw me for me and liked it. Maybe they liked some things. But they didn't like some of the parts of me that I like the best--my happiness, my enthusiasm, my optimism, my artistic sense. We had lots of lovely things in common: politics, religion, religious baggage, active lifestyle, and lots more. We grew up together and had a culture and friends in common. But it turns out that's not enough. And, while he was a good choice for me when I was young, we ended up not really appreciating the other's strengths, but going in trying to change them. I tried to change him. Or thought that I could change all the things I didn't like. And he tried to change me. Or, at least, eventually got pretty tired of the things that irritated him about me: like my being loud, social, enthusiastic. I hope that he can move on and find someone who appreciates and loves him for who he is. Because I wasn't able to give him that. And he wasn't able to give me that.

But, now, I know that it's possible for someone to love me as I am. Accept me. Care about me. Not try to change me. And, it's only fair, I learn from this experience that I should do the same. If we go into a long-term relationship with even ONE thing we want to fix or change about the person, we are in for disaster. Because people change, but not in the ways you want. They can change a little, but you should assume that whatever bothers you will never end and will only get worse. If the worst that person does was directed to you is something you could live with, then you are in a great spot. If it gets worse and is directed to you and that is horrifying, think twice.

I don't regret anything, except maybe bringing children into an already unhealthy relationship. But, I am happy I am learning and moving forward and understanding what can be.