How Do I Feel About Divorce Now?

It's interesting. No one gets married thinking they will get divorced. And, if you come from the midwest, like I do, or you are a bit older and grew up in a more "traditional" world, you can't think of much worse that you could do personally than get a divorce.

In the church (or, at least, the conservative, right-wing, evangelical church I was raised in), marriage defines and validates women as good people. The worst things you could ever do were: 1) get pregnant before you got married or 2) get divorced. A close third that was always implied, but never stated outright, was never getting married. Divorce for men was also bad, but, for a woman, much worse. The general attitude for men was that they might stray and divorce and, while that's bad, it's not as bad as a woman divorcing--especially initiating. There were a few exceptions. I heard things like it was ok if he was hurting you physically. It was ok in the case of infidelity. But, in practice, in both situations, it's STILL not ok according to the same churches.

I have always been fiercely anti-divorce. I haven't even recognized the divorces of some of my friends and believed that they would always be married to their former husbands, whether society agreed or not. I believed that being separated was the right choice for Christians. Christians should not date or even try to marry again. If you want to divorce, too bad. You will always be married forever.

Even when my Christian friends remarried, I STILL refused to recognize their subsequent marriages as legitimate.

So, naturally, you can imagine my cognitive dissonance and general confusion at coming to the conclusion that I wanted a divorce.

But, now, I'm trying to figure this out. I still believe divorce is bad. But not for the same reasons. Divorce is bad because it hurts and breaks up the family. However, there are other things that hurt and break up families where the parents do not divorce (or maybe were never married). There are gradients to this, too. If you don't have children, divorce is less of a big deal. After divorce, there's no guidance. Do you remarry? Do you abstain from sex until you remarry? Do you abstain from sex forever because you are not supposed to remarry? Do you now have a free pass to do whatever you want since you aren't a virgin anyway? It seems like once someone has gotten a divorce, they've now done something SO terrible, that nothing can be worse. So sex outside of marriage, living with someone, ALL much more ok than if you were never married in the first place. Or maybe it's about age? Once you are in your 30s it's more ok? But when you are younger and in prime child-bearing years, it's not ok?

I remember my mom referring to divorced women or single parents who were dating as "confused" or "needing Jesus." But what if you know Jesus and you divorced because your family was hurting inside the marriage? What if you know Jesus and you were traumatized by the person who was supposed to love you and care for you most? What if you know Jesus and YOU traumatized and hurt one or more people who you love? There has to be forgiveness and redemption in here, but that doesn't mean that when I look at someone whose actions gave me PTSD that I don't still experience flashbacks and startle responses when I see them. I no longer believe it's so black and white.

The problem is that I was taught rules. Lots and lots of rules. The reality is that rules can't cover every situation. Grace is all I have left to cling to. Everything I ever believed has been shattered. But I know that God is the one constant. I think about all the screw-ups in the old testament. Like David, the man after God's own heart, who killed tons of people in battle, had tons of wives and children, stole someone else's wife and had him killed to cover up a pregnancy. God STILL used David and even that "illegitimate" marriage between David and Bathsheba. Jesus is a direct descendant of Solomon, a product of an "illicit" marriage that started with an affair. So, I know God is bigger than all of this. And that clinging to him is all I have. I trust and pray that he will bring me to where I need to go. Because no one else seems to be able to help me or tell me the right thing. And, maybe that's ok.