It's Been Awhile Since I Felt Rejected

Thankfully.

The layers of complex issues between my mother and me have caused a permanent rift that will probably always exist unless we go to counseling. But since we live states away it will probably never happen.

I can learn to forgive, accept, and coexist. But I am terrified that I will pass along the disfunction I suffered to my child.

It feels like I'm coming to yet another crisis of self. Not just who I am but who I am to her and who do I need to be to ensure we don't have these issues in the future? How do I figure out what she needs and adapt? I would do literally anything to make her like me. Is that bad?

Back on Track

In grad school I read studies that claimed that marital satisfaction decreases the first year after a baby is born.

I wondered if that would be true for me. I remember crying six weeks after Double was born just thinking about the idea of sex.

A few weeks later those feelings were gone. But then the PPD kicked in and I can only imagine what the studies say about marital satisfaction when you have a mentally ill spouse!

Over the last 2 years DH and I have both laughed and yelled and talked calmly and argued. We have had hard times and good times. He has been more incredible than I could have ever imagined any person being. But it was still very stressful. Due to my illness and the task of adjusting to a new baby and moving and a new job and, well, ALL the changes in our lives, it has often felt to me like we were just trying to survive.

In the last few months, though, things have changed a lot. I don't know what the catalyst was, but we have been laughing more and enjoying each other. We enjoy our daughter and our time together. Life has finally found a rhythm we are used to and comfortable with. Life feels like it used to, but even better with Double.

It's nice to be back in that place and feel human again. It's one of those things that you don't realize was a problem until it gets better and I'm do glad it did!

My First Dog Sweater

Modeled by its recipient, Butters!

Play Kitchen Reveal!

You get to see it before AJ does, but I can't help myself I'm so
proud. Definitely the most difficult DIY project I've ever tackled.

Project details to follow soon!

Play Kitchen Bloopers

Oh I know you all think I'm such a creative genius (haha).

So I thought I'd show you some I the serious mistakes I've been making
in this play kitchen besides multiple dings and dents from
over-zealous drilling, pounding and a screwing (why are all
woodworking terms also metaphors for sex?), I somehow miscalculated
the door closing mechanisms and I couldn't close it once the hinges
were on. So I had to manually shave down several parts of the door and
fittings to make it fit. Then I had to re-sand and prime and paint.

Another error: when gluing down the burners some glue seeped out that
I didn't clean up. Now I can't get it off so I'm pondering what to do
with that. If you have ideas let me know! I'm going to try a glue
remover but I might also paint over it. We shall see!

However, everything is nearly done! Just a few finishing touches and
then I'll do a big reveal post for you!

The Latest in the Play Kitchen Saga

Painting!

My Latest Knitted Creations

Mittens for Double. Hat for a friend. Hat for my nephew (maybe).

Play Kitchen Start

Here is the play kitchen for Double that I've been working on. It's
been assembled, filled, sanded, and primed. Next on the list: sand the
primer, paint, seal (or some kind of finishy protectant like that) and
add fixtures. Should be a fun Christmas gift!

My Entryway

You finally get to see a finished product! Here's what you are looking at:

• West Elm Rustic Acacia Console Table (got it nearly new from Craigslist for $250)
  
• Mirror from Target ($20!)
• Wicker baskets that I got from Beverly's Fabrics and Crafts. Spray painted white. They contain stray jackets, sunglasses, hats, umbrellas and whatnot.
• Basket from Beverly's for shoes
  
• CB2 File folder
• Anthropologie Key Key holder
• Rug from IKEA

What do you think?

A Changed Woman

I swore up and down I wouldn't change. I'd stay in touch with my
friends. I would keep my "priorities" straight (i.e. sewing, knitting,
fashion). It seemed completely reasonable to expect I could be the
same person I was and just add a child- kind of like an accessory or a
pet. Yeah, that wasn't realistic. Or even remotely close.

Six plus months post partum I grappled with what felt like an identity
crisis. Who was I? Was I a lame mother whose sole identity is her
child? I didn't want to be that woman. Was I the cool party girl who
has nice dinners with friends and tried to maintain a fun and
fashionable lifestyle? That no longer felt like me, if it ever did.

In the last year I've struggled to varying degrees with who I am and
what my priorities are. I've come to a firm decision more than once
only to have my latest identity thwarted by my new circumstances. But
one thing is certain: I am not the person I was 3 years ago.

I can't tell if part of my coming to terms with my new persona was
brought on by age or my child or both. Maybe I would have eventually
turned into some modified form of the person I am now. Maybe I would
have eventually realized that I really don't like partying and going
to clubs that much any more. Maybe I would have calmed down my need to
DIY and realized I'd never accomplish everything on my list. But why
would I without a catalyst or distraction to keep me from all those
other things?

Having a child clearly threw me into this identity switcheroo. But the
postpartum depression fueled it even more. A double whammy personality
changer and all of a sudden I'm unrecognizeable. Sure I'm still fun
and goofy and wacky. Sure I'm talkative and creative and crafty, but
how would you ever know? I have trouble staying in touch with friends
and family, something I never would have let slide before AJ. I can't
make time to see my friends because I feel like I can barely keep up
with work and a child. I rarely go out at night and I don't like to
stay up past 11 if I can help it because of a rigid routine mandated
by my ppd and a baby who wakes up at the same time I used to go to
bed. You'd never know me because you never see me!

All the pieces of my life that I once worked so hard to carefully
craft as my identity are gone. I no longer go out. I no longer make
clothes. I no longer have a DIY list a mile long. I've had to
significantly reduce time spend with friends or doing anything I once
considered a mandatory activity. But the weirdest thing about this is
that I don't mind it. At all. I used to be terribly bothered that I
wasn't making enough of myself, doing enough, or getting the most out
I life.

Now, I can relax. Now, my life is simple: work, child, eat, sleep. And
I love it that way. I can see how mothers can get lost in an identity
that revolves around their children because my life revolves around my
daughter. Because she is fun. And amazing. I had no idea. I was
totally unaware that I would enjoy her so much and I am thankful to
her for teaching me how to dramatically alter my crazy lifestyle for
one that matters. I am forever grateful.

I know that someday I'll pick up my hobbies again and be with my
friends or find new ones. But the precious years of my daughter's life
are already flying by so quickly. I want to savor every minute. Thus I
am who I am now and I make no apologies. I love her and I love me and
I love our new life together!

Baby Language!

My big girl is starting to say lots of words, with pronunciations that range from hilarious to adorable. I thought I'd share some of them with you:

foon = food

cumcum = cucumber

peam = cream

knee = boo boo (her first boo boo was on her knee and she didn't yet know the word boo boo, but she could say knee. Thus all boo boos have now become "knees". hehe)

mama = banana or mama

yeh whoa = yellow

thit = sit

titty (hehe) = kitty

mock = milk

beebee = baby doll

jew thee = juice

teetee = thirsty

peace = please

cheeth = cheese

pahtah = pasta

She can also say: come, back, down, up, uh-oh, walk, yeah, no, bath, wash, book, hug, ball, bubble (her first big word) and lots more! Most of these have hand motions too. Too cute!

I love baby language!

Many Travels

In the month of September I travelled back and forth between 3 time
zones twice. Once with the whole family for a wedding and once last
week for business to the surprisingly beautiful Hershey, PA (photo).

I'm so glad it over. All that travel was stressful and threw me off.
All of a sudden it's October! However now that I'm finally feeling
settled in the new house and have stability in job and living
situation (and all our close family is married off, meaning no more
Midwest travel for awhile), I feel like I can relax and enjoy my
family and the holidays to come. We probably won't be traveling which
means time at home working on the house or doing other fun family
stuff. And maybe, just maybe I can taper off the klonopin... Travel
taught me some interesting things about sleep and the great news is
that I am handling sleep deprivation like a normal person now. Hooray!
Lots of good going on. What a relief!

Finally! I finished making my roman shades!

What do you think? Took me 3 mos... Sheesh!

Know Your Customer

Now that I have a child my shopping needs have changed. Drastically. I love shopping. It's awesome. But I don't have time to shop now. Ever.

I used to spend 3-4 hours in a store scouring and trying on items. I could go 2 or 3 days in a row after work, during lunch, whatever. I definitely do not have that luxury now. I could go at lunch, but for EXACTLY an hour or less. Why? Because I need to come home and take care of my child. I can't really go after work. I could go after she's in bed, but in all these situations my time is constrained either by my child or by the store closing.

I could take her. On the weekends. But stores are busy and crowded and meltdowns occur in about 1 hour of time. I could go without her, but that sacrifices family time. That means I need to get in, get what I need, and get out.

Ordering online is my new thing. Stores like Zappos that offer free returns are my mainstay.
I also shop online for things that I eventually buy in stores. By the time I go to the store I know EXACTLY what I want to look at/try on. This minimizes store time. Personal shopping is another helpful thing. Department stores offer them for free. You call ahead, say what you want. Make an appointment, try a billion things on that THEY get for you (they know where things are, can get you more sizes, etc.), buy what you need. Move on.

That's why I was SUPER IRKED when I went car shopping yesterday. The sales person tried to "sell" me on the car. Really?

I told him I wanted to pay no more than a certain amount.
He said, "No, lets find the right car for you first."
I said, "No, tell me what it costs to add the features and then I'll decide which ones I want and which I can live without to stay within my budget."
He asks, "How are you paying?"
I say, "Cash."
He says, "No, a monthly payment is better."
Really?

I'm holding a screaming child. I'm chasing after her in the lot. Do you think I have time for this? I know what I want. I know what I need. I don't have time to be "sold" to. I don't have time to leisurely look at cars and drive them. In fact, I can't even drive them because it requires me putting a car seat in all the cars I want to test drive. Then getting said screaming child into the car seat MULTIPLE TIMES. Hell no.

Know your customer. See a busy mom who knows what she wants chasing after a child? Find out what she wants and needs. Get to the point. Give her your card so she can move on. Same goes for almost EVERY retail experience.

It almost makes me want to sell cars to moms only just so I can be sensitive to their needs. What a pain shopping is now that I have a kid!

Hula Baby

I freaking love my toddler. She is so freaking cute! And amazing. And interesting. It's so fun to watch her. In the above photo she's getting ready to go to a tikki party next door.

Yesterday we were in a waiting room and 2 kids came in. She was faced the other direction playing with some toys. At some point, she turned around and looked at the younger one who was probably around 4. She'd stare at him until he looked at her to get his attention then smile and turn back. She did this 3 or so times and the other kid was sort of doing the same. He would smile. It was like they were sharing some secret language. I sat there watching the exchange, completely amused. I wondered, "do all kids do this? Do they notice each other and naturally make friends right there?" I wondered if I did that when I was a kid. Maybe I did. I remember talking to other kids while my mom did things while we were out. I guess I'll find out! At any rate, it was so interesting to watch. I think Double's going to be an amazing social experiment! :-)