Friday, January 06, 2017

Divorce Sucks

My Giant Stack of Paperwork

Probably most everyone I know knows by now that I'm getting a divorce. Yes, it's happening. I won't bore you with the details of why (because how can this be explained enough anyway). But let's just say that mental illness and dysfunctional, imperfect humans not dealing with issues fully can degrade your marriage over time. 

We filed officially in December, separated on and off since May, then officially in September with the intention of working on things. But only a few weeks into that and I realized that I can't do it any more. In this particular situation, the chances of me coming back and repeating this cycle were very, very high. But, fortunately, I have had enough strength to own my decision over and over. And I consistently see it being justified in the actions I've seen since. I wish it weren't so. I wish it was something fixable. But it isn't. Perhaps in a later post I'll elaborate. Right now I'm not comfortable sharing details.

I was prepared for losing him. I lost him a long time ago, unfortunately. Thankfully, my life now is so much easier and healthier. I was prepared to fight for my kids, if needed. Fortunately, we are able to agree on things, for the most part. Unfortunately, he is choosing to leave them and move many, many miles away and see them on holidays and school breaks. And I get to pick up all the pieces and raise them alone. This is not what I wanted for my life or my future.

But, even this I can manage. But I need support. And I wasn't prepared for the lack of support I've gotten. What I need is encouragement and people saying, "I know it's hard. The kids are a lot of work, working two jobs is stressful, but you are doing it and you are strong and this will not be forever. You can do it!" But instead I often get, "Why are you doing this? Can't you work on things? You need to do {insert 'helpful' advice here}." Or, worse, "Your situation could be worse. Listen to how things went for so and so."

I appreciate that others have it worse. Oh my goodness, do I ever. But I also don't need to hear this when I'm overwelmed and stressed, when I'm sick, not getting enough work hours in, being exhausted from working 2 jobs and taking care of the kids, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, plus getting forced out of my house 3 times/week since he can't have the kids at his place and he refuses to take them somewhere for an evening. 

Who can hear me? Who can encourage me? Who can help me and support me and lift me up? I feel down and then kicked again when I'm down over and over. And, what's worse, because I'm recovering from the trauma of abuse, I'm even more sensitive than ever. I have no emotional energy to explain anything to anyone. If they aren't able to be supportive already, I can't go there with them. And, it seems some friends are turning against me, hearing only one side of the story.

It's disheartening and I can't wait for it all to be over so I can move on with my life. I've been so happy discovering a life by myself again. And being with my kids. I can't wait to raise them and take care of them on my own and have my own space again. But, I'm sad that it has come to this. I hope he saves that big payout so he can buy a house with cash here... which he could do now.