Thursday, October 27, 2016

Ups and Downs

Today I am so sad.

I am sad I've lost a partner and a friend. Well, truly, he wasn't much of a partner the last few years. And he wasn't a very good friend either.

But still... Any potential for that is gone now and it hurts.

The stinging sadness of heartbreak. The break up of a family. The feeling that your forever is ending. We were supposed to be together forever. We were supposed to love and care for each other, forever.

And then he hurt me. Over and over and over. And at first I blamed myself. Then I blamed him. Then I blamed his illness. But in the end, it doesn't matter who is to blame. Someone I loved hurt me in a way that left me scared and anxious to simply be around them. And, even though they want to change, they are still incredibly selfish and self-centered about it. They can't see me for who I am. They can't see outside themselves. And it hurts to feel like you are invisible, like you don't matter at all to the person you work so hard to care for.

I don't want to start anew. I do. But I don't. It hurts. Starting over is hard. I feel sad. I feel an overwhelming sense of loss.

I do feel optimistic for the future. But tainted with sadness. My happily ever after was not so happy. And not so ever after. I don't regret my choices, but it doesn't make them less painful now.

I loved my family. I loved what I thought we had. But it was still mostly me. It was me taking care of everyone. Except myself. Now I need to try to learn to love myself and know who I am.

The one consolation is that God is always with me and can redeem anything. I pray for him to redeem this situation. And thank him that he is the husband I never had, no matter what. He is there and he cares and loves me the exact amount I need. And loves me for me. Something that none of us broken humans can ever do.