Monday, October 24, 2016

Life is Full of Surprises

...Some are good and some are not.

I'm going through a hard and dark time right now. I am up and down. It is to be expected.

On the one hand I am sad and devastated and in pain.

On the other hand, I am free from something that has been causing me pain and heartbreak for at least 10 years. And the future feels bright.

But I often feel sad and happy and you never can tell which day will be which.

Sometimes I can't eat. Sometimes I can't sleep.

I'm learning to draw new boundaries.

I'm learning to adapt to new and difficult situations.

I'm learning a lot, in fact. About myself. About what I went through. About what I'm going through now.

And, it's painful. It's painful to know that a person you trusted would hurt you the way I've been hurt. It's painful to know that you gave someone everything you had and they used it against you. It's painful to know that even when that person finally realizes what they did, you are so traumatized you can't even walk around your house without living in fear that that person will hurt you again. You are worried that they are still there. That they will still harm you, mentally, emotionally, or physically. That they will still take you for granted and not appreciate you. That they will criticize you and blame you no matter how hard you try to do the right thing. That you are so traumatized that forgiveness is not enough to move forward or be together. And that is very sad.

I wish this wasn't what was happening in my life. That I could have a "normal" relationship and a "normal" life, or that healing could come faster. But the fear is real and even if the person can change, it will never be enough. Because they are bound to mess up and it will throw me back into the trauma. And I am years and years away from moving past the trauma I'm already feeling.

And, now, even more pain is coming from (former?) friends and family, from people who need someone to blame. Sometimes we can move forward without having to be enemies. We can. And I wish others could too.

I am not angry. I am not bitter. I forgive and I care. And I understand that others don't understand that. And I hope they will in time.