Loneliness

I'm about to take my babies to Indiana where they will spend 8 weeks with their dad.

Here's how I feel:

After I drop them off at the airport I will be freeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

And sometimes I feel like:

After I drop them off at the airport I will be all alone...

When I was lonely, before my life fell apart, I would talk to my husband. But, yeah, that's not happening anymore.

If he wasn't available, I would call my mom. But, again, that's not happening anymore, either.

I've rarely been alone for any length of time since March 1 of this year. Because I've had kids around me all. the. time.

I'm scared.

I'm all alone.

How do people do this?

I've never been alone. I've never been an adult with no one to talk to. I suppose I have friends and they will be hearing from me.

But... it's not the same.

In so many ways I'm thrilled and I can't wait.

In so many other ways I feel terrified. I'm an extrovert. I like being around people. I need support. Or even ANYONE to talk to...

I'll have a few weeks of vacation. I'll have work. I'll be that desperate single person working all hours of the day and night and asking people if they want to go out for drinks.

I have no idea how I will adjust.

And, as soon as I do, I'll be back in the thick of it again.

Life is... confusing... and weird... and full of so much uncertainty... I had no idea, living in the white, middle class bubble I've been in for years. Until my bubble popped. Or, more like, shattered.